Before I start the version on my own parenting mindset, and why I am less irritated when little Gracia doesn't cooperate, let me share a story I had told Lina a couple of time whenever she starts to get angry with Gracia:
Once upon a time, there was a master name Zhu keliang. He is a man of great wisdom, a philosopher and a mentor for many generals and emperor in his time. While he love analyzing strategic war arrangement and calculate mobility steps to win a war, he has a personal passion for flower and plants. One day, he is about to leave his mansion for a couple of weeks to discuss some very important issue for the country. Before he left, he had summon his housekeeper Kong to carefully look after his garden esp a plant he particularly favor. He reminded Kong three times how to manage the plant in the most attentive way he used to do when he's around. After Master Zhu left his mansion, Kong did what master Zhu asked him to do and religiously water the plant and bring out the plant under the sun. One day, Kong carelessly smashed and broke the plant master zhu favor the most. He cried and cried and cried, worrying that master zhu will surely punish him for his crime. When master zhu returned from his assignment, Kong reviewed to him the truth. Below is the conversation between master and Kong:
Kong: Master Zhu, Kong deserve punishment, your most favorite plant is gone. (Assuming that master Zhu will react angrily on him)
Master Zhu: Oh, what happen to it? (Ask in a calm tone)
Kong: I accidentally lost control of the pot and smashed it while bringing out for the sun to shine.
Master Zhu: Oh, it's ok. I will just plant another same one again. (Again with a calm tone)
Kong: Master, aren't you upset or angry with me?
Master Zhu: Why must I?
Kong: Because I smashed your fav plant.
Master Zhu: Look Kong, do you know my first intention why I started this plant? (Smile when asking)
Kong: I am not very sure master.
Master: I grew it because I have a special liken on its fragrance and color. Whenever I see it, it makes my day and I just love it so much.
Kong: (scratching his head) For such reason master, I thought you should even be angrier?
Master: Listen Kong. There is birth, there will be death. There is unity, there will be separation. There is victory, there will be defeat. There is love and there is hate.... there's a season for everything under the sun. I grow this plant because I have passion on it and it makes me happy, you see that Kong, I say it makes me happy. You must know that it's the primary reason why I choose this plant, I didn't grow this plant and wait for it to weed and get upset, nor I want to grew this plant knowing it possibly would be eaten by some insect like caterpillar and get very angry with the insect and kill all of them? This plant is supposed to make me happy, not sad, and not angry, not disappointment or such. Remember Kong, what ever you want in life, whether it's a relationship, or if you thinking of becoming a warrior, or perhaps you want to be a father, always remember the primary reason why choose this path. In a relationship, you probably want love not hate. To be a warrior to fight a war, you probably want the joy of victory not the misery of defeat, and to be a father you surely want to have a unconditional love for your child instead of getting frustrated, upset and disappointment when your child disobey you. Always look back on why you started a journey and don't be too caught up by rains and thunders that will erase away your passion, love and affection. For now, I will only have good memories on how the plant used to make me happy and perhaps start another similar one. (HAHAHAHaha ... laugh master Zhu)
Above is a fictional story I always tell my wife whenever she get emotional. I will always ask her, "In the first place, why do you want to start this thing?" Unless you really look forward to disappointment, depression or dismal. If not, always go back to why you first started it. Ok, enough of this story .... Lets get back to my personal parenting mindset.
I would like to categorise my parenting mindset in 3 points:
Point one: I am not a fans of any doctor, pediatrician, parents, child expect or organization like Montessori’s etc, below is my conclusion.
To me, raising children is not like assembling a home theater system or preparing a dish, such that you need only follow an expert's instruction on a manual or recipe. No one-size-fits-all formula can possibly work for every family, nor can it anticipate an infinite number of situation （家家有本难念的经）. However, I had seen and know many parents desperately seeking a miracle solution that they think will help solve their parenting problems thru books, resources from the internet and information they gather from other parents. While I don't totally disregard knowledge from a child experts or a more experience parent, (because a lot of my knowledge I gained are of the same way) but I’ll only take it with a pinch of salt and take it like a appetizer instead of having it like a main course. Deep down many parents realize there is no one way to parent a child, yet they constantly try out methods from books or from a suggestion thru another parent (usually a friend) and start to question themselves why it works for other but not my child, and usually it leads to letdown and disappointment before frustration starts to burn them.
Point Two: I not only believe, but I live by this words " Imperfection world". And from it, I have greater allowance and tolerance towards failure, injustice or unfairness. Although i have hopes for my daughter, i don't expect my life as a father to be a bed of roses. Below are my conclusions.
Although many parents consciously know there is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child, they continue to compare themselves to other parents or someone they consider having "perfect parenting standard." This standard is the primary, underlying force that creates a state of imbalance for contemporary parents who struggle with feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and frustration.
Parents who I described earlier will usually reach the point where they say " I-Can't-Stand-It-Anymore". This irrational belief that leads to such statement as "I cant's stand your irresponsible behavior" or "I can't stand things turning out this way" normally will creates feeling of anger, depression, and anxiety. A parent who can’t's stand a child irresponsible behavior is not allowing that child to fail. And like it or not, failing is part of an imperfect world (which I constantly remind my wife we're living in a imperfect world). In fact, failing is necessary part of learning. Learning by failing is as important as learning by doing.
I will give you an example, (my wife will always ask me for an example every time we have a dispute). If a child is learning walking and the parent who's afraid she will fall are always there to catch the child or assist her as she takes those first step, the child cannot successfully achieve that milestone in her life. She would come to expect her parent to always be there for her. And i would like to add that, tantrum is only the beginning what your child will fail you and the worst is yet to come. Unless you think your child is a saint, if not, be prepared he will fail you, and he will fail you many many time in your life time as a parent. I will list a number of possibilities what a child will probably fail in their life time.
Child possible failing list:
1.Tantrum (Toddler Period)
2.uncooperative (They will grow older and might have their own preference and will refuse to cooperate what you say or offer, like food they eat or clothes they wear or a TV program they like to watch etc)
3.Lazy or uninterested (this can include multitude of area, like studies, self hygiene, house chore etc)
4.Rebellious (most probably will happen during teenage years, what they will fail you will be drugs, sex, gamble and anything vice.)
5.Uncommitted (refuse to get married, get a job or involve in family activities)
6.Shame (become a criminal, prostitute or a addict)
7.Unfilial (after painstakingly raise them up into adult, they desert you, cheat all your money and put you in an old folks home)
These are just a few possible things that your child might fail you, and if you can't take their tantrum. I don't know what will happen to you if the more damaging encounter happen to you. So my advice is, expect the unexpected and count the blessing instead of the curse.
My last point: I know Mr. angry. I have dine with him, seen him face to face and used to invite him to my life for a party of destruction, now I already divorce him but I can still remember vividly the impact of it. Below is my conclusion on anger.
Apart from making everyone unhappy, anger produces several very negative outcomes.
1.Anger begets anger
2.Anger reduces your ability to think logically.
3.Parent's anger give attention to a misbehave child. (If you get angry every time your child misbehavior, he will know what to do the next time he wants attention from you.)
4.Anger aftermath makes parents feel guilty and bad. (Aren't you?)
I used to throw and smashed things around my house when I am angry, by the end of the day, not only the problem that made me angry is not solved. I left myself with more things to tidy up and regret, guilt and shame then mock at me.
Anger is also the most common pitfalls of many parents. I think all parents should recognize and deal with it because almost without fail, it has very negative result. The most serious negative consequence of anger is that it undermines a most critical lesson that parent must teach their children: That’s how to manage their own emotion.
So my final conclusion is this, if you read a lot of child behaviorist books, taught and shared with your child what are the right things to do and whets not and imply good habits on them but still get angry when she turned you upside down. You should start parenting on yourself, not your child. Remember this, no matter how frequently children are told not to be angry, nothing outweighs showing them how to really manage conflict without anger you. I had written it above and I am going to say it again: "Action speaks louder than words".
The above entry is recorded for the benefit of myself, my family and my love ones only. Everything is base on my personal point of view and perspective. I am not an expect and have no intention to correct, change or implement any parenting knowledge or ideas on anyone. Like I had said, there's no one-size-fit-all parenting method for every parents. However, if you think my ideological on parenting may be of little help for you. You can use it as a reference. Just treat it like appetizer but not the main course; perhaps you have something on your own that is more useful, more practical and more profitable for you and your child.
Happy Parenting!
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